How are you this morning? Had a nice shower or bath? Good. Sit down.

Brexit. Ending free movement. ‘Taking back control’. Becoming more ‘outward looking’ by creating trade barriers with our neighbours. Chucking out essential workers for ‘taking our jobs’. All seems a bit silly now, right?

Well, it’s a funny story actually. It turns out it was never really possible. You see, to do those things, we’d need a hard border in Ireland and then we would have bombs. It’s a problem no one could possibly have foreseen.

The alternative, a barrier between Northern Ireland and the rest of us, wouldn’t really be Brexit and, well, have you met Arlene Foster?

So, after days of intense negotiation, I’ve just reached a hard-won agreement with the European Commission which is in the interests of all: not to do it.

No hard border, no end to free movement, no making our own rules. And no totally fucking our economy.

We are still doing something with control: giving it away to the 27 remaining member states. And we’re still calling it Brexit.

I can do that, you see, because Brexit means Brexit.