A man who thought it would be okay to be rude to everyone like Prince Philip is has realised that no one likes him.

Ray Doyle was inspired by the popularity of the Duke of Edinburgh to make insensitive remarks to everyone he meets and does not understand why he has no friends and also faces disciplinary action at work.

Mr Doyle said: “I was introduced to a new recruit at work the other day and I said: ‘Are you descended from a pirate?’

“Not even a chuckle. Just a palpable silence descending on the whole office. Then she walked off.

“I pointed out later that the pirate line was actually one of the Prince’s, printed in a newspaper souvenir edition about how great he is. She shrugged and said: ‘He’s racist.’

“Quick as a flash I thought of one that isn’t racist and fired back: ‘Do you work in a strip club?’

More silence, so I added: ‘You are a woman, aren’t you?’

“Then I was led away.”

Mr Doyle’s manager Will Bodie said: “Ray’s a hard worker but I think it’s time he retired from official duties.”

British citizens have the right to pass freely and without hindrance wherever they want, irrespective of the freedoms they permit others, right-wing newspapers have reminded the EU.

We may not want you here but don’t you dare forget the entitlement of British holidaymakers to the world, the Daily Mail and Express said.

Borders should be thought of as doors to which the British alone hold the key, even those separating other countries, the papers clarified.

The Mail told the EU: “Britons unlock them, walk through and then shut them firmly in your foreign face. That is how borders work, including yours.”

The Express said: “Basically, you all stay exactly where you are, wherever that is, while we use all the doors.

“And don’t touch the doors. They’re British doors. We don’t want foreign muck on them.”

People who know about things because they have spent time finding out may in fact be useful, Government Ministers have concluded.

A year after Micheal Gove said Britain had “had enough of experts” and should vote Brexit regardless, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has asked experts at the Migration Advisory Committee to find out what Brexit means.

The MAC will now assess the contribution of EU citizens to Britain to establish what it is that Ms Rudd’s Cabinet colleague got the country to do by telling it to ignore “organisations with acronyms”.

Announcing the study, Ms Rudd said: “Yes, experts can be stuffy and boring and sometimes they say annoying things we just can’t understand like ‘Britain shouldn’t leave the EU.’

“But what we’ve come to realise is that they don’t just make this stuff up as they go along, whereas Michael patently does.”

Mr Gove said: “Cheese is a kind of ham.”

Cars that use fossil fuel will be banned from the roads when they stop working because it has all run out, the Government is expected to announce.

In a move to stop people thinking about chlorinated chickens, Environment Secretary Micheal Gove will propose not simply leaving the cars in the road where they finally splutter to a halt.

And manufacturers will be required to start selling different sorts of cars that can still move without being pushed.

A Government spokesman said: “Poor air quality is the biggest environmental risk to public health so the last thing we want is people breathing in more of that shit because they are pushing their cars.

“That is why we will say to people, ‘Stop that, it’s not working, do something else, don’t leave your car there,’ and to manufacturers, ‘Make cars that work on something else now. We have some cheap chicken if that’s any help.’”

Prof Brian Cox, an automotive industry expert at Aston Martin University, said: “The timescale involved here is sufficiently long-term for the proposals to be of no real consequence, so yeah, all right, whatever. We’ll all ride chickens or something.”

A woman wearing a pair of leather trousers that cost £1,000 has explained to Britain the importance of living within its means.

Theresa May, whose husband is senior executive at a $1.4 trillion investment fund, has explained that literally no one in the country has the money to pay nurses more and so it would require borrowing instead.

Mrs May, also wearing a £500 cashmere sweater, told Britain: “Do you want to go bankrupt? Do you?

“Because it’s all very well saying things like ‘Five pairs of my trousers would have paid for safe cladding at Grenfell’ – but then who would have paid for the five pairs of trousers?

“There’s isn’t a magic £1,000 leather trouser tree, you know.”

Mrs May, who spent £1 billion of the country’s money in order to retain control of it, added: “So we’d have to increase the deficit, like Greece, and there would be no jobs or nurses at all, and I would still have my leather trousers.”

Former prime minister David Cameron, architect of austerity and personally worth £40 million, waded in to tell the country: “You selfish bastards.”

A major nationwide police search is underway for anyone who voted for this.

The alarm was raised after it emerged that someone to vote for this was last captured on CCTV nowhere ever.

Supt Ray Doyle, leading the investigation, said: “What we do have on CCTV – well, TV actually – is Tories saying ‘No one wants another election.’ A lot.

“We’re very interested in speaking to this ‘no one’ because he or she sounds like the exact same person that may have voted for a minority Tory government propped up by creationist homophobes at a cost of £1 billion.

“There’s also a possible matter of identity theft, since we have evidence that it is in fact ‘everyone’ who wants another election.”

Everyone confirmed: “Yes, it’s me that wants another election.”

Speaking exclusively to Swan Bake, no one said: “It was me who voted for this bullshit.”

You still seem to be here, Britain has said to Theresa May.

The country had turned its attention from the ‘Prime Minister’ to more pressing matters, only to look back some time later and notice with unease that she had not left.

The country said to Mrs May: “Imagine you were at a job interview and the interviewer said ‘Thank you, we have other candidates to see and may be in touch’ and instead of leaving you just sat there.

“And the interviewer looked down at some papers and began writing. And quarter of an hour passed. And then the interviewer looked up again, over a pair of glasses, to find you inexplicably in the same spot.

“And then the interviewer left you there and went home and got in the shower, and rinsed soapy water from their eyes to see you, also in the shower.

“That is what is happening.”

Mrs May replied: “The ‘other candidates’ are Boris Johnson, David Davis and Michael Gove. So when do I start?”

Has anyone checked if she’s actually all right? the country has asked after noticing the helpless look in Theresa May’s eyes.

Concerns were raised after the Prime Minister’s desperate and pleading expression was noticed at the end of each of her robotic speeches, as if she were trying to add “Help me.”

Ray Doyle, who watched her on the news at his home in Reading, said: “Um. That woman. Was she the Prime Minister? Only the last person I saw with a face like that was Arthur in EastEnders after he stole the Christmas club’s savings.

“And he did not provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest and get the best deal for Brexit.”

Will Bodie of Basildon said: “That occasional crack in her voice – I always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. I now realise it’s a widening chasm in her fragile sanity.

“Just as well she and this whole Brexit with no government thing is just an EastEnders storyline and this isn’t the news about this actual country.

“What?”

Muslims are to blame for terrorism both by Isis and the far right, it has been clarified by the far right.

They are also responsible for future far right terrorism, limited in magnitude only by the imagination of the far right and therefore the most despicable of all, the far right says.

Far right extremist Tommy Robinson, who condemns the “evil ideology” of Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot because he thinks it is the Quran, said: “I told you this would happen.

“Again and again I warned that an angry population would do stuff like this, which makes it Muslims’ fault, definitely not mine.

“Just like it’s the fault of Westerners when they fail to heed Isis’ warnings. No, wait. Where’s my book?”

Robinson later clarified that Muslims were also responsible for the mortgage fraud he did that time, adding: “But I don’t see them apologising for that.”

“Why is it leaking from its eyes?” Theresa May asked today on finally meeting a Grenfell Tower survivor.

Addressing a hospital patient directly, the Prime Minister said: “It will keep its distance and it will stop leaking.

“I said it will stop leaking.

“Stop leaking!

“It will know that if there are any lessons to be learned from whatever it is that has happened to it, they will be.

“But it will also receive and accept the obvious implication that there may be nothing to learn from this, that it may just be the acceptable price of austerity.

“It will nod now in acknowledgement.”

Raising a hand as the man began to reply, Mrs May said: “It is not expected to reply.”

Ending the 30-second interaction, she added: “It will know that I must leave now, quickly, and via an emergency exit, due to the very real security concern that it may want to kill me.”