You still seem to be here, Britain has said to Theresa May.
The country had turned its attention from the ‘Prime Minister’ to more pressing matters, only to look back some time later and notice with unease that she had not left.
The country said to Mrs May: “Imagine you were at a job interview and the interviewer said ‘Thank you, we have other candidates to see and may be in touch’ and instead of leaving you just sat there.
“And the interviewer looked down at some papers and began writing. And quarter of an hour passed. And then the interviewer looked up again, over a pair of glasses, to find you inexplicably in the same spot.
“And then the interviewer left you there and went home and got in the shower, and rinsed soapy water from their eyes to see you, also in the shower.
“That is what is happening.”
Mrs May replied: “The ‘other candidates’ are Boris Johnson, David Davis and Michael Gove. So when do I start?”
Has anyone checked if she’s actually all right? the country has asked after noticing the helpless look in Theresa May’s eyes.
Concerns were raised after the Prime Minister’s desperate and pleading expression was noticed at the end of each of her robotic speeches, as if she were trying to add “Help me.”
Ray Doyle, who watched her on the news at his home in Reading, said: “Um. That woman. Was she the Prime Minister? Only the last person I saw with a face like that was Arthur in EastEnders after he stole the Christmas club’s savings.
“And he did not provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest and get the best deal for Brexit.”
Will Bodie of Basildon said: “That occasional crack in her voice – I always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. I now realise it’s a widening chasm in her fragile sanity.
“Just as well she and this whole Brexit with no government thing is just an EastEnders storyline and this isn’t the news about this actual country.
The word ‘stability’ is on the verge of signing a deal with ‘certainty’ after failing to hypnotise enough people into voting Tory.
While opponents have said the voting swing is a rejection of platitudes in politics, senior Tories have noted that could involve saying what they actually think, something they hope to avoid with more platitudes.
The deal is being thrashed out despite concern from critics who say the only new word that can be formed using letters from ‘stability’ and ‘certainty’ is ‘Satan’.
Newly appointed Environment Secretary Michael Gove said: “That’s simply not true. We can also make the word ‘Satanic’ which by lucky coincidence is how the Government now views homosexuality, abortion and science.”
Hardly any police at all will be needed if they are given the powers to arrest and detain suspects on a whim, Theresa May has said.
Ending the time-consuming business of evidence gathering by tearing up human rights will enable just a handful of Judge Dredd-style officers to arrest, convict and “neutralise” suspects based on guesswork, according to the Prime Minister.
Amid claims the public has been put at risk by police cuts she oversaw as Home Secretary, Mrs May said: “Let’s put the public at risk of arrest instead.”
She said: “The police no longer have time to investigate the most serious crimes and I will ensure they don’t need to by allowing them to arrest and detain people based on a hunch.
“I’m talking about the people we don’t have enough evidence to prosecute in court but think might be a threat anyway.
“Let’s cut to the chase here. I’m talking about Muslims.
“By giving police powers to arrest them for no particular reason, I can pretty much guarantee an end to radicalisation.
“If it doesn’t work we’ll have to go further but let’s not explore where that road leads to at this stage.
“If I am elected as Prime Minister on Thursday, that work begins on Friday.”
A man who adopted Theresa May as his motivation and role model for attaining strength and stability has become afraid and desperate, he has admitted.
Ray Doyle has spent the weeks since the Prime Minister called a snap election emulating her in a bid to become strong and stable and is now too scared to leave his house.
My Doyle said: “I often get asked questions I don’t want to deal with, for example by my wife, children or boss, so I was inspired to see how Mrs May answers everything simply by saying something unrelated about strong and stable leadership, best deal for Britain and very clear.
“However, after a confident start, like her I now deliver the same lines looking like I’m dying inside.
“I tried staring at a picture of her and reciting the words ‘strong and stable’. I have to go now because the walls are closing in again.”
Mr Doyle’s colleague Will Bodie said: “He called a meeting and didn’t turn up, and when I texted him I got a reply saying ‘Too busy getting best deal, why aren’t you?’
“I found him in his office pressing the ‘escape’ key over and over again and crying.
“The funny thing is, I’m inspired by Jeremy Corbyn and I don’t remember feeling better.”