Are you still here? UK asks Theresa May

You still seem to be here, Britain has said to Theresa May.

The country had turned its attention from the ‘Prime Minister’ to more pressing matters, only to look back some time later and notice with unease that she had not left.

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The country said to Mrs May: “Imagine you were at a job interview and the interviewer said ‘Thank you, we have other candidates to see and may be in touch’ and instead of leaving you just sat there.

“And the interviewer looked down at some papers and began writing. And quarter of an hour passed. And then the interviewer looked up again, over a pair of glasses, to find you inexplicably in the same spot.

“And then the interviewer left you there and went home and got in the shower, and rinsed soapy water from their eyes to see you, also in the shower.

“That is what is happening.”

Mrs May replied: “The ‘other candidates’ are Boris Johnson, David Davis and Michael Gove. So when do I start?”

Is she actually okay? country asks about Theresa May

Has anyone checked if she’s actually all right? the country has asked after noticing the helpless look in Theresa May’s eyes.

Concerns were raised after the Prime Minister’s desperate and pleading expression was noticed at the end of each of her robotic speeches, as if she were trying to add “Help me.”

Theresa May Finsbury Park Mosque
Arthur in EastEnders after stealing the Christmas club’s savings.

Ray Doyle, who watched her on the news at his home in Reading, said: “Um. That woman. Was she the Prime Minister? Only the last person I saw with a face like that was Arthur in EastEnders after he stole the Christmas club’s savings.

“And he did not provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest and get the best deal for Brexit.”

Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Will Bodie of Basildon said: “That occasional crack in her voice – I always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. I now realise it’s a widening chasm in her fragile sanity.

“Just as well she and this whole Brexit with no government thing is just an EastEnders storyline and this isn’t the news about this actual country.


Muslims to blame for far right extremist terrorism too, confirm far right extremists

Muslims are to blame for terrorism both by Isis and the far right, it has been clarified by the far right.

Tommy Robinson, who has read the first four pages of My First Quran Bedtime Stories.

They are also responsible for future far right terrorism, limited in magnitude only by the imagination of the far right and therefore the most despicable of all, the far right says.

Far right extremist Tommy Robinson, who condemns the “evil ideology” of Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot because he thinks it is the Quran, said: “I told you this would happen.

“Again and again I warned that an angry population would do stuff like this, which makes it Muslims’ fault, definitely not mine.

“Just like it’s the fault of Westerners when they fail to heed Isis’ warnings. No, wait. Where’s my book?”

Robinson later clarified that Muslims were also responsible for the mortgage fraud he did that time, adding: “But I don’t see them apologising for that.”

‘What is the wet on its face?’ Theresa May asks on meeting crying Grenfell survivor

“Why is it leaking from its eyes?” Theresa May asked today on finally meeting a Grenfell Tower survivor.

“What is that thing? Why is it burnt?”

Addressing a hospital patient directly, the Prime Minister said: “It will keep its distance and it will stop leaking.

“I said it will stop leaking.

“Stop leaking!

“It will know that if there are any lessons to be learned from whatever it is that has happened to it, they will be.

“But it will also receive and accept the obvious implication that there may be nothing to learn from this, that it may just be the acceptable price of austerity.

“It will nod now in acknowledgement.”

Raising a hand as the man began to reply, Mrs May said: “It is not expected to reply.”

Ending the 30-second interaction, she added: “It will know that I must leave now, quickly, and via an emergency exit, due to the very real security concern that it may want to kill me.”

“You asked me what I thought and you had no right,” bleats angry Tim Farron

The fact he wanted to be prime minister didn’t give anyone the right to ask him questions about his views, an angry Tim Farron said last night.

Tim Farron

Announcing his resignation, the Lib Dem leader hit back at journalists who refused to settle for opaque answers to whether he thinks homosexuality is a sin.

Mr Farron said: “The consequence of the focus on my faith is that I have found myself torn between disapproving of homosexuals and the necessity of people not knowing that I do.

“That is not on.

“Journalists have every right to ask what they see fit. But when a man’s faith isn’t treated like a licence for bigotry, then I’m sorry, we are not living in a tolerant society.

“I tried clever answers, like ‘We are all sinners.’ That would have worked for Jesus. It wasn’t good enough for you though, was it?

“That’s why I have chosen to return to an obscure life in which I hope answers like that will be enough to make gays drop it.”

Word ‘stability’ close to signing deal with ‘certainty’

The word ‘stability’ is on the verge of signing a deal with ‘certainty’ after failing to hypnotise enough people into voting Tory.

Theresa May
The Government hopes to win voter support for ‘Satan’

While opponents have said the voting swing is a rejection of platitudes in politics, senior Tories have noted that could involve saying what they actually think, something they hope to avoid with more platitudes.

The deal is being thrashed out despite concern from critics who say the only new word that can be formed using letters from ‘stability’ and ‘certainty’ is ‘Satan’.

Newly appointed Environment Secretary Michael Gove said: “That’s simply not true. We can also make the word ‘Satanic’ which by lucky coincidence is how the Government now views homosexuality, abortion and science.”

Theresa May to keep saying the word ‘stability’ even when no one is listening anymore

Theresa May will continue to repeat the word “stability” long after everyone has stopped listening, Conservative sources have confirmed.

Theresa May weak and wobbly

Despite a career characterised by havoc, the Prime Minister will continue to promise stability in response to any question she is asked for the rest of her life, and beyond, sources say.

A source said: “She doesn’t in fact require questions. We’ve come to the conclusion she doesn’t hear them.

“Ask her some questions, about anything you want, and then stop asking her questions and note the impact on the frequency at which she promises stability: none.

“If Theresa May falls down in the woods and there is no one around to hear, does she still say ‘I am very clear that what is needed is the stability only I can offer’?

“Yes, she does.

“Her epitaph will read ‘I told you I would achieve stability.’”

Murdoch announces election result

The UK will today again vote in the interests of Rupert Murdoch, he has confirmed.

Sun front page election day 2017

The billionaire media mogul this morning ended weeks of uncertainty by using his flagship newspaper to tell the country what is going to happen.

The early confirmation of the election result saves voters any further deliberation or speculation on polling day, now that they all know what they are to do.

Voter Ray Doyle said: “I’m not sure why I must vote Tory because it doesn’t say. It only says why I mustn’t not vote Tory. Voting Tory must be like breathing.

“Should I breathe? Rupert hasn’t said. On no, now I’ve died.”

Fellow voter Will Bodie said: “Other papers are still talking about what might happen. Why didn’t they read this?

“I don’t know why we even bothered with this election when we can let the world’s most manipulative man decide again.

“Given his rampant privilege and power, his newspapers could be taken as a barometer of exactly what not to do, but it doesn’t say that here so I’m not making that connection.”

If we just assume people are guilty then we will need even fewer police, says Theresa May

Hardly any police at all will be needed if they are given the powers to arrest and detain suspects on a whim, Theresa May has said.

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Ending the time-consuming business of evidence gathering by tearing up human rights will enable just a handful of Judge Dredd-style officers to arrest, convict and “neutralise” suspects based on guesswork, according to the Prime Minister.

Amid claims the public has been put at risk by police cuts she oversaw as Home Secretary, Mrs May said: “Let’s put the public at risk of arrest instead.”

She said: “The police no longer have time to investigate the most serious crimes and I will ensure they don’t need to by allowing them to arrest and detain people based on a hunch.

“I’m talking about the people we don’t have enough evidence to prosecute in court but think might be a threat anyway.

“Let’s cut to the chase here. I’m talking about Muslims.

“By giving police powers to arrest them for no particular reason, I can pretty much guarantee an end to radicalisation.

“If it doesn’t work we’ll have to go further but let’s not explore where that road leads to at this stage.

“If I am elected as Prime Minister on Thursday, that work begins on Friday.”

Man motivated by Theresa May to achieve strength and stability having catastrophic breakdown

A man who adopted Theresa May as his motivation and role model for attaining strength and stability has become afraid and desperate, he has admitted.

Theresa May weak and wobbly
Today’s tip for strength and stability: Answer every question with a stock unrelated statement. Even when it makes you feel like this.

Ray Doyle has spent the weeks since the Prime Minister called a snap election emulating her in a bid to become strong and stable and is now too scared to leave his house.

My Doyle said: “I often get asked questions I don’t want to deal with, for example by my wife, children or boss, so I was inspired to see how Mrs May answers everything simply by saying something unrelated about strong and stable leadership, best deal for Britain and very clear.

“However, after a confident start, like her I now deliver the same lines looking like I’m dying inside.

“I tried staring at a picture of her and reciting the words ‘strong and stable’. I have to go now because the walls are closing in again.”

Mr Doyle’s colleague Will Bodie said: “He called a meeting and didn’t turn up, and when I texted him I got a reply saying ‘Too busy getting best deal, why aren’t you?’

“I found him in his office pressing the ‘escape’ key over and over again and crying.

“The funny thing is, I’m inspired by Jeremy Corbyn and I don’t remember feeling better.”