Fossil fuel-powered cars to be banned when fossil fuels run out

Cars that use fossil fuel will be banned from the roads when they stop working because it has all run out, the Government is expected to announce.

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In a move to stop people thinking about chlorinated chickens, Environment Secretary Micheal Gove will propose not simply leaving the cars in the road where they finally splutter to a halt.

And manufacturers will be required to start selling different sorts of cars that can still move without being pushed.

A Government spokesman said: “Poor air quality is the biggest environmental risk to public health so the last thing we want is people breathing in more of that shit because they are pushing their cars.

“That is why we will say to people, ‘Stop that, it’s not working, do something else, don’t leave your car there,’ and to manufacturers, ‘Make cars that work on something else now. We have some cheap chicken if that’s any help.’”

Prof Brian Cox, an automotive industry expert at Aston Martin University, said: “The timescale involved here is sufficiently long-term for the proposals to be of no real consequence, so yeah, all right, whatever. We’ll all ride chickens or something.”

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Who is going to pay to end austerity? says woman in £1,000 trousers

A woman wearing a pair of leather trousers that cost £1,000 has explained to Britain the importance of living within its means.

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“Look at me, living within my means. Fuck’s wrong with you?”

Theresa May, whose husband is senior executive at a $1.4 trillion investment fund, has explained that literally no one in the country has the money to pay nurses more and so it would require borrowing instead.

Mrs May, also wearing a £500 cashmere sweater, told Britain: “Do you want to go bankrupt? Do you?

“Because it’s all very well saying things like ‘Five pairs of my trousers would have paid for safe cladding at Grenfell’ – but then who would have paid for the five pairs of trousers?

“There’s isn’t a magic £1,000 leather trouser tree, you know.”

Mrs May, who spent £1 billion of the country’s money in order to retain control of it, added: “So we’d have to increase the deficit, like Greece, and there would be no jobs or nurses at all, and I would still have my leather trousers.”

Former prime minister David Cameron, architect of austerity and personally worth £40 million, waded in to tell the country: “You selfish bastards.”

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“Food banks? Why don’t they just eat money?”

Concern over whereabouts of anyone who voted for this

A major nationwide police search is underway for anyone who voted for this.

Theresa May Arlene Foster

The alarm was raised after it emerged that someone to vote for this was last captured on CCTV nowhere ever.

Supt Ray Doyle, leading the investigation, said: “What we do have on CCTV – well, TV actually – is Tories saying ‘No one wants another election.’ A lot.

“We’re very interested in speaking to this ‘no one’ because he or she sounds like the exact same person that may have voted for a minority Tory government propped up by creationist homophobes at a cost of £1 billion.

“There’s also a possible matter of identity theft, since we have evidence that it is in fact ‘everyone’ who wants another election.”

Everyone confirmed: “Yes, it’s me that wants another election.”

Speaking exclusively to Swan Bake, no one said: “It was me who voted for this bullshit.”

Are you still here? UK asks Theresa May

You still seem to be here, Britain has said to Theresa May.

The country had turned its attention from the ‘Prime Minister’ to more pressing matters, only to look back some time later and notice with unease that she had not left.

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The country said to Mrs May: “Imagine you were at a job interview and the interviewer said ‘Thank you, we have other candidates to see and may be in touch’ and instead of leaving you just sat there.

“And the interviewer looked down at some papers and began writing. And quarter of an hour passed. And then the interviewer looked up again, over a pair of glasses, to find you inexplicably in the same spot.

“And then the interviewer left you there and went home and got in the shower, and rinsed soapy water from their eyes to see you, also in the shower.

“That is what is happening.”

Mrs May replied: “The ‘other candidates’ are Boris Johnson, David Davis and Michael Gove. So when do I start?”

Is she actually okay? country asks about Theresa May

Has anyone checked if she’s actually all right? the country has asked after noticing the helpless look in Theresa May’s eyes.

Concerns were raised after the Prime Minister’s desperate and pleading expression was noticed at the end of each of her robotic speeches, as if she were trying to add “Help me.”

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Arthur in EastEnders after stealing the Christmas club’s savings.

Ray Doyle, who watched her on the news at his home in Reading, said: “Um. That woman. Was she the Prime Minister? Only the last person I saw with a face like that was Arthur in EastEnders after he stole the Christmas club’s savings.

“And he did not provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest and get the best deal for Brexit.”

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Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Will Bodie of Basildon said: “That occasional crack in her voice – I always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. I now realise it’s a widening chasm in her fragile sanity.

“Just as well she and this whole Brexit with no government thing is just an EastEnders storyline and this isn’t the news about this actual country.

“What?”

Muslims to blame for far right extremist terrorism too, confirm far right extremists

Muslims are to blame for terrorism both by Isis and the far right, it has been clarified by the far right.

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Tommy Robinson, who has read the first four pages of My First Quran Bedtime Stories.

They are also responsible for future far right terrorism, limited in magnitude only by the imagination of the far right and therefore the most despicable of all, the far right says.

Far right extremist Tommy Robinson, who condemns the “evil ideology” of Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot because he thinks it is the Quran, said: “I told you this would happen.

“Again and again I warned that an angry population would do stuff like this, which makes it Muslims’ fault, definitely not mine.

“Just like it’s the fault of Westerners when they fail to heed Isis’ warnings. No, wait. Where’s my book?”

Robinson later clarified that Muslims were also responsible for the mortgage fraud he did that time, adding: “But I don’t see them apologising for that.”

‘What is the wet on its face?’ Theresa May asks on meeting crying Grenfell survivor

“Why is it leaking from its eyes?” Theresa May asked today on finally meeting a Grenfell Tower survivor.

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“What is that thing? Why is it burnt?”

Addressing a hospital patient directly, the Prime Minister said: “It will keep its distance and it will stop leaking.

“I said it will stop leaking.

“Stop leaking!

“It will know that if there are any lessons to be learned from whatever it is that has happened to it, they will be.

“But it will also receive and accept the obvious implication that there may be nothing to learn from this, that it may just be the acceptable price of austerity.

“It will nod now in acknowledgement.”

Raising a hand as the man began to reply, Mrs May said: “It is not expected to reply.”

Ending the 30-second interaction, she added: “It will know that I must leave now, quickly, and via an emergency exit, due to the very real security concern that it may want to kill me.”