Movie lines in Trump’s speech were ‘Putin’s little joke’

Word-for-word excerpts of movie scripts were included in Donald Trump’s inauguration speech as a practical joke by Vladimir Putin, a Kremlin source has confirmed.

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Putin is said to have been unable to resist “having a little fun” after being assured Trump would say “absolutely anything” he was told.

Ideas considered included having the incoming US president begin his speech with: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix Legions.”

Putin is also said to have suggested Trump simply shout “Adrian! Adrian!” over and over again like a punch-drunk Rocky, before the Russian president was forced adjourn a meeting until all present had regained composure.

Our source said: “Amusing as it would have been to make it famous but arbitrarily chosen lines like ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat,’ it was agreed the words should have some relevance to Trump’s character.

“So Mr Putin settled on the words of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises as well as lines from Bee Movie and Avatar, representing mania, juvenility and pointlessness respectively.

“We just assumed people would get it.”

Trump strenuously denied Putin is dictating his every word using famous film lines.

He said: “Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife.

“I mean the bare necessities, that’s why a bear can rest at ease, with just the bare necessities of life.”

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Vladimir Putin becomes 45th US president

January 20, 2017

Vladimir Putin became the 45th president of the United States as his representative Donald Trump took the oath today.

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Mr Putin, who also leads Russia, has promised to “make America great again”, with a self-assured smirk, as if addressing a child.

He has pledged to “unify” the US and Russia and make both countries work for “me, Vladimir Putin”.

Donald Trump said: “What he said.

“Exactly what he said.”

‘Please stop talking shit, this is important,’ PM urged

January 20, 2017

Theresa May should make up her mind what the actual fuck she wants out of Brexit and indeed politics because her job is actually quite important, she has been told.

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Mrs May’s political vision

People of all political persuasions are concerned that not one single thing she says is compatible with anything else she says, like an impossible jigsaw of little pieces of shit that only makes a big piece of shit.

Concerned citizen Ray Doyle said: “On Tuesday she said we’d leave the single market but then on Thursday she said we’d get ‘maximum access to the single market’ to stop all the banks leaving.

“She said the Brexit vote is all about people feeling left behind by globalisation but she’s going to use it to turn Britain into a global hub for foreign investment.

“She wants to govern for everyone, not just the privileged few, but might fuck over the EU by turning the UK into a tax haven for the privileged few.

“She says chucking out foreign workers makes Britain more internationalist.

“She says ‘leaving’ does not mean becoming ‘more distant’.

“Well, I’m sorry but it does. It actually does.”

Fellow citizen Will Bodie said: “I think Mrs May should continue as prime minister.

“By which I mean she should resign immediately.”

Everyone agrees they would like to see Boris Johnson get a WWII movie punishment beating

January 19, 2017

Everyone would enjoy watching Boris Johnson receive a WWII movie-style punishment beating for escaping from whatever shit comedy he came from, they have agreed.

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The spectacle of the ridiculous toff being comprehensively pummelled would raise enough in pay-per-view revenue to cover Britain’s contributions to the EU and also fix the NHS many times over, indications suggest.

Person Ray Doyle said: “What the world needs right now is a sense of unity. And what unites more people than the offence caused by this conscienceless upper-class cunt?”

Will Bodie, another person, said: “Look, I voted Brexit, but Boris Johnson getting dragged into a room, tied to a chair and slapped repeatedly around his big posh face – I just don’t see any negatives here.”

“But I want it I want it I want it I want it I want it” says May of EU free trade deal

January 19, 2017

Theresa May is under the impression that asking for the same impossible thing enough times will make it happen, it has emerged.

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Having been told Britain cannot be in the single market without the obligations of EU membership, she is insisting on a completely free trade deal without the obligations of EU membership, like a five-year-old demanding pudding before dinner.

Explaining her Brexit plan, Mrs May said: “I want a Brexit. I want an exit. I want a red white and blue Brexit, I don’t care who makes it, I want it now.

“Give it to me.”

Five-year-old child Mary Lacey said: “I adopted a similar ‘plan’ to get a hoverboard. When they got me one of those self-balancing things, I smashed it to tiny pieces, because I meant a real one, like in Back to the Future.

“I think the important thing for the prime minister to note here is that I now don’t have either.”

Britain to ‘leave the fuck out of the EU’ says May

January 17, 2017

Britain will leave the EU, rejoin it and then leave it again just to make absolutely certain it is has left, Theresa May has said.

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Rather than have any “half in, half out” deal, Britain will come so far out that it will go back in the other side, and then out, the Prime Minister said in her Brexit speech.

Mrs May said: “We’re going to the leave the EU. Then we’re going to leave wherever we end up.

“We’re going to keep leaving until we end up back in the EU. And then we’re going to leave.

“And if the EU has some kind of problem with that, we’ll crush everything it values into tiny pieces for being unfriendly. And then leave again.

“We’ll work to strengthen the precious union between the four nations of the United Kingdom, before Scotland leaves.

“We’ll sign the freest possible trade deal with European countries and then leave our copy somewhere, probably in a taxi, as we leave, because no deal is better than a bad one.

“We’ll work to maintain a common travel area with the Republic of Ireland for the sake of the decades-long peace process. And then we’ll travel out of it because it’s in the EU, and we’re leaving.”

Asked if Britain would still leave the EU if parliament rejected the final Brexit deal, a Number 10 spokesperson said: “Either way it’s clear the Prime Minister has taken leave of her senses.”

Putin tells Trump: don’t make me show them your micro-penis

January 13, 2017

Watersportsgate will seem like the good times if a photograph of a certain button-sized reproductive organ ever becomes public, Vladimir Putin has warned Donald Trump.

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The new leader of the United States

Paying prostitutes to urinate will seem a picture of normality once people see the “confusion” inside the president-elect’s trousers, Putin said.

In a phone call to Trump, the Russian president said: “I’m looking at a photo. I don’t even know what it is. Maybe a mini-chipolata. No, it’s too small. A button mushroom that was picked before maturity and then left to rot.

“You know what I’m talking about.

“The only thing I don’t understand is why it has a comb-over.”

Putin is understood to have threatened to have the image printed on a run of special-edition stamps depicting “medical curiosities”.

“Actual size,” he said.