Putin is said to have been unable to resist “having a little fun” after being assured Trump would say “absolutely anything” he was told.
Ideas considered included having the incoming US president begin his speech with: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix Legions.”
Putin is also said to have suggested Trump simply shout “Adrian! Adrian!” over and over again like a punch-drunk Rocky, before the Russian president was forced adjourn a meeting until all present had regained composure.
Our source said: “Amusing as it would have been to make it famous but arbitrarily chosen lines like ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat,’ it was agreed the words should have some relevance to Trump’s character.
“So Mr Putin settled on the words of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises as well as lines from Bee Movie and Avatar, representing mania, juvenility and pointlessness respectively.
“We just assumed people would get it.”
Trump strenuously denied Putin is dictating his every word using famous film lines.
He said: “Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife.
“I mean the bare necessities, that’s why a bear can rest at ease, with just the bare necessities of life.”
Theresa May should make up her mind what the actual fuck she wants out of Brexit and indeed politics because her job is actually quite important, she has been told.
People of all political persuasions are concerned that not one single thing she says is compatible with anything else she says, like an impossible jigsaw of little pieces of shit that only makes a big piece of shit.
Concerned citizen Ray Doyle said: “On Tuesday she said we’d leave the single market but then on Thursday she said we’d get ‘maximum access to the single market’ to stop all the banks leaving.
“She said the Brexit vote is all about people feeling left behind by globalisation but she’s going to use it to turn Britain into a global hub for foreign investment.
“She wants to govern for everyone, not just the privileged few, but might fuck over the EU by turning the UK into a tax haven for the privileged few.
“She says chucking out foreign workers makes Britain more internationalist.
“She says ‘leaving’ does not mean becoming ‘more distant’.
“Well, I’m sorry but it does. It actually does.”
Fellow citizen Will Bodie said: “I think Mrs May should continue as prime minister.
Everyone would enjoy watching Boris Johnson receive a WWII movie-style punishment beating for escaping from whatever shit comedy he came from, they have agreed.
The spectacle of the ridiculous toff being comprehensively pummelled would raise enough in pay-per-view revenue to cover Britain’s contributions to the EU and also fix the NHS many times over, indications suggest.
Person Ray Doyle said: “What the world needs right now is a sense of unity. And what unites more people than the offence caused by this conscienceless upper-class cunt?”
Will Bodie, another person, said: “Look, I voted Brexit, but Boris Johnson getting dragged into a room, tied to a chair and slapped repeatedly around his big posh face – I just don’t see any negatives here.”
Theresa May is under the impression that asking for the same impossible thing enough times will make it happen, it has emerged.
Having been told Britain cannot be in the single market without the obligations of EU membership, she is insisting on a completely free trade deal without the obligations of EU membership, like a five-year-old demanding pudding before dinner.
Explaining her Brexit plan, Mrs May said: “I want a Brexit. I want an exit. I want a red white and blue Brexit, I don’t care who makes it, I want it now.
“Give it to me.”
Five-year-old child Mary Lacey said: “I adopted a similar ‘plan’ to get a hoverboard. When they got me one of those self-balancing things, I smashed it to tiny pieces, because I meant a real one, like in Back to the Future.
“I think the important thing for the prime minister to note here is that I now don’t have either.”
Watersportsgate will seem like the good times if a photograph of a certain button-sized reproductive organ ever becomes public, Vladimir Putin has warned Donald Trump.
Paying prostitutes to urinate will seem a picture of normality once people see the “confusion” inside the president-elect’s trousers, Putin said.
In a phone call to Trump, the Russian president said: “I’m looking at a photo. I don’t even know what it is. Maybe a mini-chipolata. No, it’s too small. A button mushroom that was picked before maturity and then left to rot.
“You know what I’m talking about.
“The only thing I don’t understand is why it has a comb-over.”
Putin is understood to have threatened to have the image printed on a run of special-edition stamps depicting “medical curiosities”.