January 19, 2017

Everyone would enjoy watching Boris Johnson receive a WWII movie-style punishment beating for escaping from whatever shit comedy he came from, they have agreed.

The spectacle of the ridiculous toff being comprehensively pummelled would raise enough in pay-per-view revenue to cover Britain’s contributions to the EU and also fix the NHS many times over, indications suggest.

Person Ray Doyle said: “What the world needs right now is a sense of unity. And what unites more people than the offence caused by this conscienceless upper-class cunt?”

Will Bodie, another person, said: “Look, I voted Brexit, but Boris Johnson getting dragged into a room, tied to a chair and slapped repeatedly around his big posh face – I just don’t see any negatives here.”

January 19, 2017

Theresa May is under the impression that asking for the same impossible thing enough times will make it happen, it has emerged.

Having been told Britain cannot be in the single market without the obligations of EU membership, she is insisting on a completely free trade deal without the obligations of EU membership, like a five-year-old demanding pudding before dinner.

Explaining her Brexit plan, Mrs May said: “I want a Brexit. I want an exit. I want a red white and blue Brexit, I don’t care who makes it, I want it now.

“Give it to me.”

Five-year-old child Mary Lacey said: “I adopted a similar ‘plan’ to get a hoverboard. When they got me one of those self-balancing things, I smashed it to tiny pieces, because I meant a real one, like in Back to the Future.

“I think the important thing for the prime minister to note here is that I now don’t have either.”

January 17, 2017

Britain will leave the EU, rejoin it and then leave it again just to make absolutely certain it is has left, Theresa May has said.

Rather than have any “half in, half out” deal, Britain will come so far out that it will go back in the other side, and then out, the Prime Minister said in her Brexit speech.

Mrs May said: “We’re going to the leave the EU. Then we’re going to leave wherever we end up.

“We’re going to keep leaving until we end up back in the EU. And then we’re going to leave.

“And if the EU has some kind of problem with that, we’ll crush everything it values into tiny pieces for being unfriendly. And then leave again.

“We’ll work to strengthen the precious union between the four nations of the United Kingdom, before Scotland leaves.

“We’ll sign the freest possible trade deal with European countries and then leave our copy somewhere, probably in a taxi, as we leave, because no deal is better than a bad one.

“We’ll work to maintain a common travel area with the Republic of Ireland for the sake of the decades-long peace process. And then we’ll travel out of it because it’s in the EU, and we’re leaving.”

Asked if Britain would still leave the EU if parliament rejected the final Brexit deal, a Number 10 spokesperson said: “Either way it’s clear the Prime Minister has taken leave of her senses.”

January 13, 2017

Watersportsgate will seem like the good times if a photograph of a certain button-sized reproductive organ ever becomes public, Vladimir Putin has warned Donald Trump.

Paying prostitutes to urinate will seem a picture of normality once people see the “confusion” inside the president-elect’s trousers, Putin said.

In a phone call to Trump, the Russian president said: “I’m looking at a photo. I don’t even know what it is. Maybe a mini-chipolata. No, it’s too small. A button mushroom that was picked before maturity and then left to rot.

“You know what I’m talking about.

“The only thing I don’t understand is why it has a comb-over.”

Putin is understood to have threatened to have the image printed on a run of special-edition stamps depicting “medical curiosities”.

“Actual size,” he said.

January 12, 2017

Donald Trump’s supporters are complaining they don’t know whether to love spies or hate them after he said they were like “Nazis” and “disgraceful” in the same breath.

The president-elect said it was a “disgrace” that intelligence agencies leaked details of him watching prostitutes urinate and “something Nazi Germany would have done”, leaving his white-supremacist support-base unsure whether to boo or cheer.

Trump voter Ray Doyle said: “First I was sad about the spies. Then I was happy. On reflection I’m ambivalent.

“I just need to know: disgraceful or Nazis – which?”

Fellow Trump voter Will Bodie said: “I suppose he could be saying that doing something Nazi Germany would have done is in itself a disgrace, for example requiring every member of a particular minority to register on a database.

“Sorry – I stopped making sense there for a minute.”

Trump compounded the confusion by tweeting: ‘Are we living in Nazi Germany?’

One supporter replied: ‘No. You don’t take office until next week.’

January 11, 2017

Jeremy Corbyn hopes to position Labour as the alternative to populist party UKIP by going for the “unpopulist vote”.

The opposition leader has announced a set of deeply unpopular policies, then quickly withdrawn them to achieve optimum unpopulism across the political spectrum.

During a radio interview yesterday, Mr Corbyn said he believed strictly in the Marxist principal of “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs” before adding “It might be the other way round.”

Labour sources say his intention was to anger all but his staunchest socialist supporters before roundly alienating them too.

To repel even the politically confused, the Labour leader intentionally undermined his own policies by appearing to conceive them on impulse.

Mr Corbyn said: “Britain should have open borders to everyone. Except blacks, now I think of it. Britain’s full, send them back.

“We’re not wedded to freedom of movement. Neither are we divorced from it.

“Right now I’m seeing it more as acrimoniously separated with a restraining order in place. But that will change.”

A Labour spokesman said: “He’s basically making it up as he goes along, isn’t he?

“I mean he’s definitely not making it up as he goes along. Stop misinterpreting his mispeech.”

January 6, 2016

British people are no more willing to accept non-English speaking immigrants than they are to say anything in foreign when abroad, it has been confirmed.

New arrivals in the country, whose population communicates when abroad by talking loudly and slowly in English, will not be admitted until they have also learned to speak ‘properly’.

Britain’s all-party parliamentary group on social integration says English is ‘prerequisite for meaningful engagement with most British people’ and that’s why they communicate in foreign countries by repeating themselves in English with growing irritation.

A study by the group concludes: ‘Britain is a proud nation whose only concession to foreign languages while abroad is to ask – in English – “Do you speak English?”

‘Occasionally we might add “Does anyone else speak English then?” If that’s not enough then frankly you’re being a bit rude.

‘So you certainly shouldn’t expect us to put up with mumbo jumbo when you come here.

‘We simply can’t be arsed.’

January 5, 2017

Nigel Farage would like continue surfing the tides of ignorance by talking out of his arse, he has confirmed.

Although he wants a “wholesale change” in leadership and any “career diplomats” replaced, as a career bullshitter he intends to continue talking bullshit, like that, he says.

It would probably be “democratic” to give him a senior role despite multiple failed attempts to be elected MP and that’s exactly the sort of horseshit that’s got him where he is, he said.

The former UKIP leader said: “Look, if I actually had a position in government or the civil service, people might look more closely at what I say and start asking questions like ‘What’s he even talking about? It’s bollocks, isn’t it?’

“The world has changed. It’s time the revolution was completed by getting rid of anyone who knows how to do their job. Apart from me because appealing to common emotion with this sort of impassioned populist bullshit is all I’m good at.

“See? Still got it.”

Farage supporter Ray Doyle said: “He’s only saying what everyone feels.”

January 4, 2017

Theresa May has denied rumours she plans to return to the realm of magic and dragons she comes from.

Having become prime minister by sorcery, she will harness the same dark powers to secure support for dismantling human rights, so that we may be servile to wizards, a source confirmed.

The source said she also planned to use sorcery to achieve Brexit, specifically by transforming herself into a large and savage dog to devour anyone who raises potential difficulties.

“Unfortunately for her that means anyone who has any clue how to do it,” said our source, a four-foot owl.

“Like all narcissistic psychopaths she will surround herself with fools and sycophants, setting the scene for her dramatic downfall.

“I don’t want to completely give the ending away but let’s just say that, having grown strong on the life-force of civil servants, a spell on the European Commission backfires and she turns herself into a soulless husk. Again.

“It’s a terrifically satisfying conclusion.

“Britain is still fucked.”

December 31, 2016

The year 2016 wasn’t a total fucking embarrassment and disaster, bullshit-munchers have claimed in a series of New Year messages.

Nigel Farage, who became the face of everything that’s wrong in 2016, led the New Year’s bullshit parade with some bollocks about the year being a “success” without clarifying “for racists”.

Theresa May, who used black magic to become prime minister without a single vote in 2016, said some shit about how Britain should “celebrate” Brexit without adding “because it’s all downhill from here”.

And Donald Trump tweeted some shit that no one understands but appeared to include no reference to the US choosing a fascist wankpuffin as its next leader.

The New Year’s bullshit comes as all indications suggest this shit is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.

All indications told Swan Bake: “In the words of Nigel Farage, ‘Ignore all the negative predictions and have a great day.’

“Because tomorrow is going to be fucking bollocks.”