Nigel Farage to mark Christmas by insulting the recently bereaved

December 21, 2016

Nigel Farage is celebrating the festive season by insulting the recently bereaved in the most insensitive and tasteless ways he can think of.

Nigel Farage
Farage laughing at a wheelchair-bound man stuck at the bottom of some stairs.

The former UKIP leader is sending grieving families Christmas cards with messages including ‘Don’t think this means you can have an opinion.’

The oily hate-monger has also created messages specifically for bereaved people who support remaining in the EU, including ‘I’m sorry but it’s what you voted for.’

Recently bereaved Ray Doyle said: “I’ve got all these messages of love and support and then this card from Farage saying ‘Chat shit, stuff happens.’

“He’s drawn a picture of a carriage with the word ‘Bandwagon’ written on it. There’s a stickman inside with tears springing out of his face, and he’s written ‘You’ next to him.”

A spokesman for Farage: “Fewer people doesn’t just mean fewer good people. It also means fewer bad people.

“It’s about time the bereaved confronted that truth.”

Awkward moment as Putin accidentally phones Obama while hacking his voicemails

December 16, 2016

An attempt by Vladimir Putin to hack Barack Obama’s phone ended in awkwardness when he accidentally found himself speaking to the US president.

vladimir-putin-telephone
“What time is is where you are? Really? Okay, bye.”

The Russian president had phoned his US counterpart 58 times, on each occasion reaching voicemail and entering a new PIN in a bid to access messages, when on the 59th call Obama himself answered.

A transcript of the call obtained by Swan Bake reads as follows.

Obama: “Hello.”

Putin: [silence]

Obama: “Hello.”

Putin: “Um, I think I have the wrong number.”

Obama: “Is that you, Vladimir?”

Putin: “Yes, er, I mean. Hello Barack.”

Obama: “Hello.”

Putin: [long pause] “How are you?”

Obama: “What can I do for you, Vladimir?”

Putin: “I just called because, erm. It’s bitterly cold for the time year, isn’t it? Brrr.”

Obama: “No.”

Putin: “So what can I do you for?”

Obama: “You called me, Vladimir.”

Putin: “I called you Vladimir? Oh, I’m sorry. Awkwaard!”

Obama: “No, you phoned me. Vladimir. Fifty-eight times. Have you been trying to listen to my messages again?”

Putin: “Whaaat? Really? Of course not.”

Obama: “So why do I have 58 missed calls from your number?”

Putin: [pause] “Wow! Look. What’s that?”

Obama: “What?”

Putin: “Over there. In the corner.”

Obama: “I’m not in the same room as you, Vladimir.”

Putin: “Oh yeah. Bye.” [call ends]

A spokesperson for Mr Putin denied the call took place, insisting: “This is actually laughable nonsense. Hahahahaha. Aha. Ha.”

People from poor backgrounds in ‘not as much money’ shock

December 15, 2016

Researchers struggling to explain why fewer poor people are attending university are claiming it could be because it costs a lot of money.

university-graduation

Replacing grants with tiny loans was expected to have equal impact on rich and poor students but, to the genuine surprise of ministers responsible, has not.

Now a think tank investigating the record gap between rich and poor student numbers says there is also a gap between how much money they have to spend on things.

Professor Ray Doyle, head of the William Bodie Institute, said: “Interestingly, we found that rich people have more money to spend on things, not the same or less.

“Using a computer model, we then showed that reducing student financial support would result in the number of students with more money to spend – who are also rich – becoming less. I mean more.

“This does not mean that abolishing maintenance grants has turned poor students into rich ones.

“Does it?”

Theresa May said: “We want to help those who help themselves. For example, why don’t they just sell their leather trousers?”

Student George Cowley said: “It’s a misconception that getting rid of poor students has been bad for social mobility. I have a Porsche.”

Russian interference ‘probably’ behind Kanye West’s continued fame

December 14, 2016

Russian interference is the only possible explanation for Kanye West’s enduring success, according to unanimous agreement.

donald-trump-meets-kanye-west
“Look. Black.”

The meeting between West and fellow babbling narcissist Donald Trump must be the result of Moscow meddling to create an illusion of popular support for the man it just elected US president, consensus says.

Although no one is sure what Russia could have done to interfere, it’s even harder to explain how incoherent rapper West otherwise remains famous enough for the meeting to be so widely reported.

Person Ray Doyle said: “Could it be the result of West’s talent? His charisma? His intelligence? All impossible. And once you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains must be the truth.”

However, Russian officials have strenuously denied the allegation, insisting: “Look, we did Brexit but we’re not magicians.”

Asked why the meeting took place, Trump said: “He’s smart. I’m smart. You’re smart. My shoes are smart.”

West said: “I wanted to understand my own inexplicable greatness by meeting a man who has achieved even inexplicablier greatenerness.”

Brexit means staying in the EU, Government confirms

December 2, 2016

Brexit means retaining access to the single market and allowing freedom of movement as a full member of the European Union, David Davis and Boris Johnson have confirmed.

david_davis
David Davis, whose middle name is Dave.

Having convinced voters the UK needs to leave the EU, the two men charged with effecting the decision have established that nothing could be further from the truth.

Brexit Secretary David Davis said: “The £20 billion a year currently paid to Brussels for the benefits of EU membership such as access to the single market will be paid to Brussels for benefits of EU membership including access to the single market.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said: “I’ve always believed immigration is essential for economic prosperity. I tell lies and it gets out of control. You’re not recording this are you?”

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “Imagine if nothing you wanted was ever going to happen because all your expectations were as deliverable as an underwater roller disco.

“Brexit means that.”

Brexiteer Tory MP George Cowley said: “I wish the whole world was made of delicious chocolate. I could eat my own legs.”

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall plans ‘to replace socialism with racism’

Socialism won’t be a thing anymore and the hole it leaves in the political spectrum will be plugged with racism under plans announced by UKIP’s new leader.

paul-nuttall
Never again should a human be genetically spliced with an egg, say campaigners.

Notions of social responsibility will be replaced with politically illiterate bigotry under the banner of “patriotism”, according to hate-fuelled northern fucknuckle Paul Nuttall.

Addressing a crowd of fellow fucknuckles in his acceptance speech, Nuttall said UKIP would replace Labour by convincing all the people who believe in fairness that they need to be afraid of foreigners instead.

Nuttall said: “My ambition is not insignificant. I want to get all the little bits of belief in an equal distribution of wealth and turn them into an irrational sense of national pride and egotism.”

Belief in workers’ rights will be replaced with a conviction that the poor just don’t try hard enough and concern over climate change with fear of rapists, he added.

Gullible swing voter Ray Doyle said: “My political choices are motivated by fear and dread, so let’s do this.”

You go ahead and do that dear, everyone says to scientists on verge of proving something or other about the universe

November 29, 2016

“That’s nice dear, good for you,” everyone has said to scientists about to test a “radical” theory about the universe.

universe
Space rubbish

“We’re on the verge of proving the speed of light is not constant but may have been faster just after the Big Bang,” one scientist told Radio 4 before listeners collectively turned the sound down.

Smiling patiently as Professor Brian Cox explained how our entire understanding of the universe could be turned on its head, layman Ray Doyle said: “Hmm.”

“Structures in the universe such as galaxies formed from tiny density fluctuations which are now imprinted in the cosmic microwave background,” said Professor Cox before Mr Doyle frowned and went back to reading a newspaper story about the rise of populist fascism.

“Measurements of these fluctuations produce a spectral index which, if the theory is correct, will be 0.6478,” continued Professor Cox, before Mr Doyle closed his newspaper and shouted: “What does it mean, Brian, what does it mean? The new leader of the free world is a Nazi who thinks climate change is a Chinese hoax, Brian.”

“It would mean the laws of nature were not always the same and could lead to a modification of Einstein’s theory of gravity,” stammered a startled Professor Cox.

“Get out,” said Mr Doyle.

Mr Doyle’s friend Will Bodie said: “Light has a speed?”

Remainers tell Brexiters to spend grand they owe them on life skills coaching

November 25, 2016

Remainers will accept the cost of Brexit as long as those who voted for it spend some money on learning to make better decisions, they say.

vote-leave-campaigners
Marauding morons attempt to pose for a photograph but decide to face the wrong way.

They don’t want compensation for the £1,250 Brexit is set to cost every household provided those responsible grow from the episode, perhaps through diversity training.

Remainer Ray Doyle said: “We could argue all day about whether Remainers are the ‘liberal elite’ or just better educated.

“The way to find out is clearly to try a little bit of education and see if you still bumble blindly through life harming yourself and everyone around you with your unstoppable fuckwittery.”

Mr Doyle wants the money Brexiters owe his family to be used to provide basic courses bespoke to their needs, including “how not to be racist” and “marauding twattery and how to avoid it”.

However, Brexit voter Will Bodie said: “I decided to make a sandwich without using a knife and now I have my hand stuck in a jam jar. What do I do?”

Dead Brexit voter insists he will make full recovery

November 24, 2016

A dead Brexit voter has returned from the grave to insist he’s well on the road to recovery.

zombie
Ray Doyle insists he’s never been fitter

The ghost of Ray Doyle materialised at his own funeral to accuse his Remainer relatives of engineering “yet another utter doom and gloom scenario”.

Interrupting a eulogy by his widow, Mr Doyle said: “The key thing about you is you’ve been wrong about everything so far.

“You said it was safe to hire a chainsaw without experience.

“And now here you go with yet more lunatic assumptions about ‘having to say goodbye’.”

Addressing the other mourners, Mr Doyle said: “Look at you all. Boo-fucking-hoo. It’s Project Fear all over again. Give it a fucking rest. I’m as fit as the economy.”

However, Mr Doyle’s lifetime friend Will Bodie replied: “Ray, you know your head’s off?”

The Sun scares readers with nearly accurate headline

November 24, 2016

The Sun newspaper left thousands of readers scared without knowing why today by nearly shouting the truth at them in big capital letters.

the-sun-front-page
BREXSHIT

The front page of Murdoch’s biggest bullshit organ made insanely positive claims about the economy which somehow rang untrue even to the gullible thanks to the massive, clumsy headline ‘BREXFIT’, only two letters away from factual.

Sun reader Will Bodie said: “I thought, hmm, Brexfit? What’s that about? Let’s find out.

“I learned the Budget will get Britain in shape. That Chancellor Philip Hammond has ‘unveiled a blueprint to get Britain match fit for Brexit’.

“Great. So why am I thinking ‘Brexshit’?”

Professor Brian Cox explained: “There are two factors at work were. Number one, ‘Brexfit’ is difficult to say. Number two, it’s bullshit.

“In contrast, ‘Brexshit’ is easy to say and not bullshit, since Brexit is shit.”

Professor Cox said the sudden exposure to near-truth was likely to cause confusion, anxiety and even nightmares for Sun readers, “for example about a shit trying to get fit”.

The far-right Daily Express tried harder to protect readers from facts by making absolutely no front-page mention of the £58billion deficit caused by Brexit but still left them feeling uneasy with the awkward headline ‘Britain’s match-fit for EU exit’.

Express reader Ray Doyle said: “Why am I thinking ‘Britain’s match-fit for EU exshit’”?

the-express-front-page
EU EXSHIT