Kim Jong-un developing capacity to throw toys and dummies to US mainland

It is inevitable that toys and dummies will be thrown all the way to mainland US from Kim Yong-un’s pram, the North Korean leader has said.

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Following a week in which he and Donald Trump both threw all their toys in each other’s general direction, Mr Kim plans to test a device capable of striking US mainland targets with Junior Lego bricks plus a half-full pot of yoghurt and the spoon he was eating it with.

It comes after Mr Trump threw some Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Shapes and a Big Boy’s Training Nappy further in North Korea’s direction than any US president in the 21st century.

Announcing his intention in a rare public address on North Korea’s state-run TV network, Mr Kim stared into the camera, put a wet, chubby hand over lens, pushed it over and started to cry.

A North Korean official said: “I’m afraid he gets like this when he’s tired.”

Mr Trump said: “Rocket man is on a suicide mission. Superman is flying around the moon and Spiderman is fighting The Hulk. Look. I did a drawing.

“That smell, by the way, is me.”

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No one has ever survived so many fuck-ups during first four months in a job, Trump assured

Most people don’t get away with a single colossal fuck-up during their first four months in a job, let alone one a day, Donald Trump has been assured.

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After the US president complained that “no politician in history has been treated worse”, critics and supporters alike rallied to reassure him that people had been sacked from Kentucky Fried Chicken for saying less stupid things.

KFC worker Ray Doyle said: “The first few months are basically a trial in which even one devastating scandal would do it.

“Lying about everything, calling everyone who questions you a liar, basically talking unremitting bullshit – I’d be doing well if I got away with that for a day, never mind every day for four months.”

Will Bodie, who serves food at Subway, said: “I couldn’t actually endanger lives by blabbing secrets to a rival. There just isn’t the scope in this job for me to fuck up that badly. I suppose the nearest equivalent would be putting poison in the Subs and it’s an unspoken rule that that is not on.

“But let’s say for the sake of argument that I was investigated for blabbing secrets and I tried to influence the investigator and then got away with firing them like I thought I was still on reality TV.

“Well, it’s all just beyond the pale. I’d be giving myself a big pat on the back, never mind talking more shit about unfair treatment.”

Trump to end all statements with Batman exclamations

Donald Trump is to mark his first 100 days in office by ending every statement with exclamations popularised by the 1970s Batman TV series.

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A White House spokesman said he hoped it would help “impress on people the full gravity of the matters addressed. Kapow!”

The spokesman said: “The President has realised that ending a Tweet about possible nuclear war with North Korea with ‘Bad!’ doesn’t actually make it seem any more bad and might in fact undermine how bad it is. Zoinks!

“The new exclamations will address that and help give his achievements in his first 100 days the emphasis they deserve. Craaaaaacck!!”

Mr Trump said: “I have signed more executive orders during my first 100 days than any other president in history. Boing!

“I’ve accomplished more than any other president since Franklin Roosevelt. Huh!”

Confusion as all world leaders talk constant bullshit

No one knows what to believe because all world leaders talk complete and constant bullshit, it has been confirmed.

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In their alternative-fact-post-truth world, the only certainty is that they are all talking out of their arses, tests show.

Scientist Professor Brian Cox said: “Vladimir Putin says the US is lying over Syria and couldn’t inspire less trust if he was Nick Cotton and added ‘Honest ma, I mean it this time.’

“Donald Trump says Russia is lying over Syria but according to his own people disagrees with facts.

“When a disagreement could mean World War III, it feels important to have an informed view on it but that would require some information that is not bullshit.

“Meanwhile Kim Jong-Un would execute the truth with a mortar round if he could, and has definitely tried.

“All we know for sure is that they all have their fingers on nuclear buttons and have parted ways with reality.

“It’s a situation that Trump might call ‘not good’, if he could stop bullshitting for the one second it would take.

“And our own Prime Minister’s contribution is to go around saying things like ‘leaving doesn’t mean becoming more distant’, which it literally exactly does.”

Theresa May said: “I have a sense that people of Britain are coming together and uniting.

“Sometimes I see dead people.”

Everyone forgotten the thing about Trump and Russia

No one can quite remember the thing about Trump and Russia that might have got him impeached or something, it has been confirmed.

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It feels like it might have had something to do with him being on the side of Russia but that can’t be it because why would we now be so worried about him having a war with Russia? said everyone.

Everyone said: “Something about helping Russia or being helped by Russia, almost sort of working with Russia to get elected or something really bad like that.

“But no because he’s president of the United States and he’s just bombed Syria after seeing the pictures of dying children and Putin says we might have a real war and relations are worse than ever and all that.

“Treason? Why am I saying the word treason?

“No, it’s gone. Oh well, it can’t have been important.

“What the fuck is Putin’s puppet?”

Mass brawl in nightclub that relied on red lines to keep peace

Notional red lines are entirely ineffective as a peacekeeping tool, a nightclub owner said from the wreckage of his property today.

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Ray Doyle decided to save money on bouncers after noting how the US and Russia simply warned against ‘crossing red lines’ to avoid open conflict, and now faces closure after a single devastating night.

Mr Doyle said: “The club’s red line was no violence and problems arose when a group of customers established their own red line as extreme violence.

“I said to one ‘You’re crossing a red line’ and he said ‘How about I draw some red lines on your face?’

“So I said ‘The whole system relies on people not unilaterally drawing irreconcilable red lines.’

“Then I woke up in hospital with these red lines on my face.

“Rather than keep the peace, I think red lines may be the reason my nightclub looks like the OK Corral.”

Mr Doyle’s warning comes after Kim Yong Un conducted tests of a red pen in breach of a UN resolution.

A spokesman for the North Korean supreme leader said: “That resolution is going to be so far over this red line once drawn.”

Nothing surprising anymore

Nothing is surprising anymore, it has been confirmed.

A senior MP is a newspaper editor and the entire UK is about to take an irreversible step it has no idea how to complete and an incoherent human fiasco is US president and it all just seems normal, according to experts.

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Expert Professor Brian Cox said: “It’s like a sitcom that’s gone on too long so all the ideas have run out and they make Monica date Chandler and you think ‘What? Fuck off’ but keep watching because there’s nothing else to do.

“Before you know it Jean-Claude Van Damme turns up as himself and you’re not sure whether it’s a sitcom or reality TV and just don’t care anymore.

“That’s why we smile when a prominent Nazi gets humiliated on Twitter instead of saying ‘There’s a prominent Nazi? On Twitter? With 55,000 followers?

“‘What the actual fuck?’

“Another analogy might be Fonzie jumping the shark, except the shark is a Nazi and Fonzie is the nephew of a Jewish composer and the Days are not Happy.”