Man with long history of tweeting utter bullshit demands top-level investigation into latest bullshit

A man whose Twitter feed is a stream of total bullshit dating back years is calling for a top-level investigation into his latest bullshit tweet.

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The man, who is apparently unable to stop lying even for a moment, has provided no evidence for his latest bullshit claim and the only certainty is that he would like it to be true because he is in deep shit and it might distract people.

Nevertheless he is demanding US Congress investigate it like they don’t have proper work to do.

He has also said he will not elaborate on his bullshit until an investigation is complete, adding: ‘Terrible! Definitely not bullshitting this time! Believe me!?’

A Congress source said: “We could investigate it. Or we could investigate claims in the latest issue of Fate & Fortune magazine that ‘Hillbilly spooks wrecked my dream life abroad.’

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Trump’s latest claims are thought to stem from an article in Fate & Fortune magazine.

“Okay, look, we’ll investigate all the evidence.

“There. We investigated all the evidence. It is bullshit. Obviously.”

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Have you seen this pile of shit and does it remind you of your president? world asks US

Have you noticed how much your president has in common with this pile of shit? the world has asked America.

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The President of the United States

After earlier pointing out Donald Trump’s obvious similarities to a psychopath and Hitler, an exasperated world told the US: “Observe this pile of shit.

“It has no character or integrity.

“It is amoral.

“It has no conscience.

“It doesn’t care about you.

“It has achieved nothing by its own merit and owes its position to the creature from whence it came.

“It should not be trusted.

“Its greatest and only contribution to the world will be as fertiliser.

“It is shit.

“It probably shouldn’t be your president.

“But it is your president.”

Have you heard of the Nazis and do they remind you of anyone? world asks US

There were these really bad people called Nazis and it might be for everyone’s good if you looked into that, the world has said to America.

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What is wrong with this picture of Trump supporters? world asks US.

The world told the US: “It was this terrible episode in history which frankly we’re beginning to wonder if you know about.

“They accused the media of lying and took control of it. Can you think of any leaders today who are calling the media liars and seem keen to control it? Think hard.

“They were led by this chap who thought the public was stupid and forgetful – boxes you’re ticking by the way – and that the bigger the lie the more it would be believed.

“He loved big rallies, where he’d appeal to fear and resentment and present himself as the solution.

“He liked slogans and promised to make the country great again.

“Is this ringing any bells, McFly?

“He rounded people up. It didn’t end well. Go and look it up. Not on fucking Breitbart.

“And people showed support with a straight-armed salute. So if anyone’s done that in support of, say, your president, it might be a big fucking clue that something’s amiss, Hercule Poirot.

“Or perhaps you’re waiting for him to goose-step?”

Have you seen these seven signs of a psychopath? world asks US

Are you aware of these seven personality traits of a psychopath and do they remind you of anyone? the world has asked America.

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‘We did an image search too and found this. Know who he is?’ world asks US.

The world told the US: “We just Googled ‘psychopath’ for some reason and found these seven clues which made us think of you. Don’t know why.

“The first is ‘glib and superficial’, so maybe some perma-tanned freak with inexplicable hair doing off-the-cuff speeches.

“Apparently they ‘need constant stimulation’, so if they were President maybe they’d hold a rally with hardcore supporters within weeks of taking office. Don’t know why that example came to mind.

“Perhaps they’d need intelligence briefings to be brief, with lots of graphics.

“They have ‘poor behavioural controls’ so perhaps they’d think it’s okay to grope women.

“They’re ‘pathological liars’, constantly telling small lies as well as big ones, about anything from their popularity to their tax affairs, or treasonable links with Russia. Again, not sure where these examples are coming from.

“They ‘never take responsibility’ and accusations will be turned back on the accusers. So if the media called them out for lying, for example, they would call the media liars.

“They have ‘grandiose, exaggerated self-esteem’. Perhaps in the same breath as calling the press liars they would gratuitously comment that they themselves would make a ‘pretty good reporter’.

“Perhaps they’d falsely say they’d enjoyed the biggest Electoral College win since Reagan. If they were President, which they aren’t because we’re blue-skying here.

“Finally, they ‘lack empathy’. How could that manifest itself? Maybe they’d think one reporter’s physical disability was an appropriate subject for public ridicule by imitation.

“Or suddenly ban some people from the country, including legal residents who happen to be overseas, causing five-year-olds to get ‘extreme vetting’ before seeing their mothers.

“Maybe they’d want to use the National Guard to tear apart communities and families.

“Anyway, look, we wrote a list which we’re just going to leave here. You know, in case it reminds you of anyone.

“Small hands.

“What? No, we didn’t say small hands.

“Bye.”

Real story here is that they told on me, says 10-year-old boy made leader of free world

A 10-year-old boy put in charge of the world says the media should focus not on his profound unsuitability for the job but the fact tell-tales keep talking about it.

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Trump Magazine, one of many of the boy’s projects which have failed because he is a child.

The “real story” isn’t that he has no character or moral compass and runs government like a rudderless ship of insane child pirates but that people are finding out, he says.

In a tweet directed at US intelligence agencies, who he blames for leaking the fact he works for Russia, he wrote: ‘Telling tales is ileegal criminal crimes. FAKE NOOS!’

A second tweet said  Hilary Clinton was a conspiracy theorist behind a conspiracy against him, adding ‘Believe me’.

The boy has drawn up a list of ‘fake’ and ‘great’ media outlets, with those that talk about his idiocy and corruption on the former and Trump Magazine on the latter.

He is also refusing to take any question that is not “What would you like to talk about?”

Democratic congressman Mark Pocan said: “The joke’s over. This boy needs to be impeached. And spanked.”

Putin interrupts rambling Donald Trump to ask ‘Is Hilary there?’

An exasperated Vladimir Putin interrupted Donald Trump during a rambling telephone conversation to ask to speak to Hilary Clinton or any other adult present.

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‘My God, what have I done?’

After 10 minutes of listening to Trump repeat “I am so popular. So popular,” the Russian president said: “Donald! Who’s looking after you today?”

Trump replied: “Everyone looks after me. Everyone loves me. So much-”

“Who got you dressed?” interrupted Putin. “I need to talk to someone about grown-up stuff. The New START nuclear warhead treaty. I want to make it longer.”

Trump’s end of the line is then understood to have gone quiet as he Googled ‘Noo strt nucular treet e’ before taking the receiver again to say: “Your warheads are already too long. We’re going to make ours longer. So long. You won’t believe how long-”

“Hilary! Where’s Hilary?” Putin interrupted again.

“I’m so smart,” said Trump.

Putin then terminated the call and phoned Mrs Clinton directly to say: “My puppet. It’s an insane moron.”

A White House source told Swan Bake: “Putin hung up? But the president is still on the line to him, telling him about his massive hands.”

Trump team trapped in cardboard box

Donald Trump and half his team have become trapped inside a large cardboard box in a collective failure of cerebral function.

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Senior adviser Kellyanne Conway was first to become trapped in the box, containing clothes ordered online from Ivanka Trump’s fashion label.

Defending herself, Ms Conway said she got “one word wrong” by confusing the notion of getting the clothes “out” with that of putting herself “in”.

“I clarified immediately,” she added, but it was too late – she was already in the box.

She was followed by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who went in to assist her, only to become involved in a disagreement with the fact that they are now both in a box.

Last into the box was President Trump himself, who saw it moving and thought it looked like a game involving the suspension of accepted rules governing personal space.

Other team members are now undecided as to their next move, conscious of the need to get Mr Trump out of the box but also keen to avoid all of them becoming trapped in the box.

The President has vented his frustration in a series of tweets from inside the box, including: “THIS SO-CALLED BOX IS RIDICULOUS! SO POLITICAL!”

Speaking through the box, Mr Trump has issued assurances he will get out eventually, adding “very easily”.

White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon has proposed burning the box and putting himself formally in charge.