A 10-year-old boy put in charge of the world says the media should focus not on his profound unsuitability for the job but the fact tell-tales keep talking about it.

The “real story” isn’t that he has no character or moral compass and runs government like a rudderless ship of insane child pirates but that people are finding out, he says.

In a tweet directed at US intelligence agencies, who he blames for leaking the fact he works for Russia, he wrote: ‘Telling tales is ileegal criminal crimes. FAKE NOOS!’

A second tweet said  Hilary Clinton was a conspiracy theorist behind a conspiracy against him, adding ‘Believe me’.

The boy has drawn up a list of ‘fake’ and ‘great’ media outlets, with those that talk about his idiocy and corruption on the former and Trump Magazine on the latter.

He is also refusing to take any question that is not “What would you like to talk about?”

Democratic congressman Mark Pocan said: “The joke’s over. This boy needs to be impeached. And spanked.”

An exasperated Vladimir Putin interrupted Donald Trump during a rambling telephone conversation to ask to speak to Hilary Clinton or any other adult present.

After 10 minutes of listening to Trump repeat “I am so popular. So popular,” the Russian president said: “Donald! Who’s looking after you today?”

Trump replied: “Everyone looks after me. Everyone loves me. So much-”

“Who got you dressed?” interrupted Putin. “I need to talk to someone about grown-up stuff. The New START nuclear warhead treaty. I want to make it longer.”

Trump’s end of the line is then understood to have gone quiet as he Googled ‘Noo strt nucular treet e’ before taking the receiver again to say: “Your warheads are already too long. We’re going to make ours longer. So long. You won’t believe how long-”

“Hilary! Where’s Hilary?” Putin interrupted again.

“I’m so smart,” said Trump.

Putin then terminated the call and phoned Mrs Clinton directly to say: “My puppet. It’s an insane moron.”

A White House source told Swan Bake: “Putin hung up? But the president is still on the line to him, telling him about his massive hands.”

Donald Trump and half his team have become trapped inside a large cardboard box in a collective failure of cerebral function.

Senior adviser Kellyanne Conway was first to become trapped in the box, containing clothes ordered online from Ivanka Trump’s fashion label.

Defending herself, Ms Conway said she got “one word wrong” by confusing the notion of getting the clothes “out” with that of putting herself “in”.

“I clarified immediately,” she added, but it was too late – she was already in the box.

She was followed by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who went in to assist her, only to become involved in a disagreement with the fact that they are now both in a box.

Last into the box was President Trump himself, who saw it moving and thought it looked like a game involving the suspension of accepted rules governing personal space.

Other team members are now undecided as to their next move, conscious of the need to get Mr Trump out of the box but also keen to avoid all of them becoming trapped in the box.

The President has vented his frustration in a series of tweets from inside the box, including: “THIS SO-CALLED BOX IS RIDICULOUS! SO POLITICAL!”

Speaking through the box, Mr Trump has issued assurances he will get out eventually, adding “very easily”.

White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon has proposed burning the box and putting himself formally in charge.

Donald Trump’s Muslim ban is the most brilliant defensive stratagem Isis has ever seen and means the ‘holy war’ is effectively off, the group has confirmed.

Never in all the group’s plotting for an apocalyptic battle with Christianity did it prepare for anything that looks like open discrimination against Muslims by Christians, least of all from the US, jihadis admit.

A source told Swan Bake: “It’s checkmate for us I’m afraid. We just can’t see any way to play this to our advantage.

“Our plan has always hinged on moving the same small band of lunatics from one country to another. That’s all. Seems silly now, doesn’t it? We just never prepared for Trump’s masterstroke of literally alienating all Muslims.

“It’s taken his and Steve Bannon’s brilliance for us to see this weakness in our approach.

“We had an Isis meeting about what on Earth to do and one jihadi actually said the Muslim ban might help us radicalise vulnerable young minds already in the US.

“Imagine that! He was really clutching at straws. He was roundly told that no one already in America would feel disaffected enough. Trump has made sure of that by being such a unifying force as a leader.

“And by the way, if any vulnerable young Americans do blow themselves and a lot of other people up, it will be the fault of those lawyers who tried to halt this genius ban, as president Trump has made clear on Twitter.”

Our jihadi source added: “The most frustrating part is, with so many brothers killed recently, there are only seven of us left, so the last thing we need is a damned recruitment crisis.

“Laughing? Who’s laughing? I didn’t laugh.”

“Do you know what? My diary is chock-a-block until, like, always,” Britons have said on learning they are still allowed unfettered entry into a country in the honeymoon stage of an affair with fascism.

Donald Trump’s team has told foreign secretary Boris Johnson that Britons will not be stopped from entering the US, prompting one Briton to say: “There’s a slurry pit down the road, Boris. Can I go in that? It’s nearer.”

Ray Doyle of Reading sad: “I’ve got my bucket list here. I’m looking at ‘Go to country that democratically elected a racist moron.’

“I’d definitely do it but it’s underneath ‘Head in a cow’s anus’, so that has to come first.

“And I’m not doing that.”

Will Bodie of Southend: “I have dual nationality but neither of them is total cunt so I might just stay where I am.”

Donald Trump plans to make visiting foreign leaders walk across a drawbridge over a shark tank and promises Mexico will pay for the installation.

US taxpayers have footed the bill initially but Mexico’s president will be invited to reimburse them, before crossing the collapsible bridge to leave while Trump’s foot is poised over a pedal under his desk, he has announced on Twitter.

The US president tweeted: ‘He’s going to pay for those sharks, either with money or as food. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s going to get eaten for sure. They’re going to eat him so good.’

However, the situation escalated into a diplomatic standoff when Mexico’s president Enrique Peña Nieto tweeted: ‘I don’t think I’ll go to that meeting.’

A White House source said: “Trump was so angry, he asked an adviser to take his smartphone away and then pushed the pedal as the adviser crossed the bridge.”

Trump has also had trapdoors installed under chairs in meeting rooms to drop anyone with bad news directly into the tank, according to our source.

The source said: “One adviser asked why we were launching an investigation into voter fraud with no reason to think any took place, unlike, say, Russian hacking.

“Let’s just say the sharks didn’t go hungry that day.

“There are certain trigger phrases that need to be avoided at all cost, like ‘popular vote’, ‘crowd size’ and ‘hands’.

“And that senior management team that resigned from the State Department – they didn’t resign.”

The US has done a really great job of deposing tyrannical leaders, the rest of the world would just like to say.

All those dangerous tyrants, gone, and good riddance to them – thanks America! the whole world has said as one.

Mary Lacey from Reading said: “It took iron resolve, enormous sacrifice and sometimes some very difficult decisions but as a result I can sleep soundly in the knowledge there isn’t some complete maniac out there with, I don’t know, weapons of mass destruction.

“Imagine that!

“You know, like some sort of crazy narcissist who invents reality to suit himself. They’re all gone, right?”

Ray Doyle of Southend said: “I’m really glad it wasn’t all for nothing because a lot of people were killed and to be honest I sometimes questioned the brutality of it and wondered whether it was even necessary.

“Deep down though, I think I always knew it was for the best because it was America. The world’s policemen. Land of the free.

“Ahh, I’m going to sleep soundly tonight knowing my children can look to a brighter, safer future because America protects us from lunatics with dangerously fragile egos.

“Good old U-S-of-A. Well done for getting all the baddies.

“No maniacs.

“Goodnight.”