The word ‘stability’ is on the verge of signing a deal with ‘certainty’ after failing to hypnotise enough people into voting Tory.
While opponents have said the voting swing is a rejection of platitudes in politics, senior Tories have noted that could involve saying what they actually think, something they hope to avoid with more platitudes.
The deal is being thrashed out despite concern from critics who say the only new word that can be formed using letters from ‘stability’ and ‘certainty’ is ‘Satan’.
Newly appointed Environment Secretary Michael Gove said: “That’s simply not true. We can also make the word ‘Satanic’ which by lucky coincidence is how the Government now views homosexuality, abortion and science.”
Hardly any police at all will be needed if they are given the powers to arrest and detain suspects on a whim, Theresa May has said.
Ending the time-consuming business of evidence gathering by tearing up human rights will enable just a handful of Judge Dredd-style officers to arrest, convict and “neutralise” suspects based on guesswork, according to the Prime Minister.
Amid claims the public has been put at risk by police cuts she oversaw as Home Secretary, Mrs May said: “Let’s put the public at risk of arrest instead.”
She said: “The police no longer have time to investigate the most serious crimes and I will ensure they don’t need to by allowing them to arrest and detain people based on a hunch.
“I’m talking about the people we don’t have enough evidence to prosecute in court but think might be a threat anyway.
“Let’s cut to the chase here. I’m talking about Muslims.
“By giving police powers to arrest them for no particular reason, I can pretty much guarantee an end to radicalisation.
“If it doesn’t work we’ll have to go further but let’s not explore where that road leads to at this stage.
“If I am elected as Prime Minister on Thursday, that work begins on Friday.”
A man who adopted Theresa May as his motivation and role model for attaining strength and stability has become afraid and desperate, he has admitted.
Ray Doyle has spent the weeks since the Prime Minister called a snap election emulating her in a bid to become strong and stable and is now too scared to leave his house.
My Doyle said: “I often get asked questions I don’t want to deal with, for example by my wife, children or boss, so I was inspired to see how Mrs May answers everything simply by saying something unrelated about strong and stable leadership, best deal for Britain and very clear.
“However, after a confident start, like her I now deliver the same lines looking like I’m dying inside.
“I tried staring at a picture of her and reciting the words ‘strong and stable’. I have to go now because the walls are closing in again.”
Mr Doyle’s colleague Will Bodie said: “He called a meeting and didn’t turn up, and when I texted him I got a reply saying ‘Too busy getting best deal, why aren’t you?’
“I found him in his office pressing the ‘escape’ key over and over again and crying.
“The funny thing is, I’m inspired by Jeremy Corbyn and I don’t remember feeling better.”
Most people don’t get away with a single colossal fuck-up during their first four months in a job, let alone one a day, Donald Trump has been assured.
After the US president complained that “no politician in history has been treated worse”, critics and supporters alike rallied to reassure him that people had been sacked from Kentucky Fried Chicken for saying less stupid things.
KFC worker Ray Doyle said: “The first few months are basically a trial in which even one devastating scandal would do it.
“Lying about everything, calling everyone who questions you a liar, basically talking unremitting bullshit – I’d be doing well if I got away with that for a day, never mind every day for four months.”
Will Bodie, who serves food at Subway, said: “I couldn’t actually endanger lives by blabbing secrets to a rival. There just isn’t the scope in this job for me to fuck up that badly. I suppose the nearest equivalent would be putting poison in the Subs and it’s an unspoken rule that that is not on.
“But let’s say for the sake of argument that I was investigated for blabbing secrets and I tried to influence the investigator and then got away with firing them like I thought I was still on reality TV.
“Well, it’s all just beyond the pale. I’d be giving myself a big pat on the back, never mind talking more shit about unfair treatment.”
A man earning over £80,000 a year is not voting Labour simply because he doesn’t want to pay any more tax and expects you to sympathise with his bullshit, he has confirmed.
Ray Doyle thinks he pays “enough tax already” even though it is patently clear from the state of public services that he does not.
He believes that the statement “I would fall into the new higher rate” should be considered persuasive justification of his position by the 95% of people who would not, instead of an affirmation of his bloated sense of entitlement.
Mr Doyle said: “Yes, it might pay for 10,000 more police officers, hundreds of thousands of council houses and make millions of people better off.
“More importantly though, it would not make me better off. I could be down £1,000 a year, to my last £53,000 after tax. So fuck you, anyone who votes Labour is crazy and doesn’t understand how things work.
A man is seeing clear parallels in the 2017 General Election with his own competing desires to help with his children’s education or kill animals for fun.
News that Theresa May supports fox hunting while Labour will scrap university fees has only confused matters for Ray Doyle, who last night spent an hour helping his son with maths before chasing down and killing a swan with a spade.
Mr Doyle said: “Timmy’s future is the most important thing in the world to me.
“Along with the simple pleasure of causing the needlessly terrifying and brutal deaths of animals.
“Timmy needs extra help and the specialist who provided it at his school has gone in Tory cuts, so it’s essential I do everything I can.
“With the time that leaves, I’m lucky if I get to slowly pull the legs off a spider.
“Do you see the dilemma for me in this election? And I’m just an ordinary man.”
Ray’s neighbour Will Bodie said: “Oh, him. Yeah, we haven’t really had much to do with him since we saw him swerve to run over that squirrel.