Word ‘stability’ close to signing deal with ‘certainty’

The word ‘stability’ is on the verge of signing a deal with ‘certainty’ after failing to hypnotise enough people into voting Tory.

Theresa May
The Government hopes to win voter support for ‘Satan’

While opponents have said the voting swing is a rejection of platitudes in politics, senior Tories have noted that could involve saying what they actually think, something they hope to avoid with more platitudes.

The deal is being thrashed out despite concern from critics who say the only new word that can be formed using letters from ‘stability’ and ‘certainty’ is ‘Satan’.

Newly appointed Environment Secretary Michael Gove said: “That’s simply not true. We can also make the word ‘Satanic’ which by lucky coincidence is how the Government now views homosexuality, abortion and science.”

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Theresa May to keep saying the word ‘stability’ even when no one is listening anymore

Theresa May will continue to repeat the word “stability” long after everyone has stopped listening, Conservative sources have confirmed.

Theresa May weak and wobbly

Despite a career characterised by havoc, the Prime Minister will continue to promise stability in response to any question she is asked for the rest of her life, and beyond, sources say.

A source said: “She doesn’t in fact require questions. We’ve come to the conclusion she doesn’t hear them.

“Ask her some questions, about anything you want, and then stop asking her questions and note the impact on the frequency at which she promises stability: none.

“If Theresa May falls down in the woods and there is no one around to hear, does she still say ‘I am very clear that what is needed is the stability only I can offer’?

“Yes, she does.

“Her epitaph will read ‘I told you I would achieve stability.’”

Murdoch announces election result

The UK will today again vote in the interests of Rupert Murdoch, he has confirmed.

Sun front page election day 2017

The billionaire media mogul this morning ended weeks of uncertainty by using his flagship newspaper to tell the country what is going to happen.

The early confirmation of the election result saves voters any further deliberation or speculation on polling day, now that they all know what they are to do.

Voter Ray Doyle said: “I’m not sure why I must vote Tory because it doesn’t say. It only says why I mustn’t not vote Tory. Voting Tory must be like breathing.

“Should I breathe? Rupert hasn’t said. On no, now I’ve died.”

Fellow voter Will Bodie said: “Other papers are still talking about what might happen. Why didn’t they read this?

“I don’t know why we even bothered with this election when we can let the world’s most manipulative man decide again.

“Given his rampant privilege and power, his newspapers could be taken as a barometer of exactly what not to do, but it doesn’t say that here so I’m not making that connection.”

If we just assume people are guilty then we will need even fewer police, says Theresa May

Hardly any police at all will be needed if they are given the powers to arrest and detain suspects on a whim, Theresa May has said.

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Ending the time-consuming business of evidence gathering by tearing up human rights will enable just a handful of Judge Dredd-style officers to arrest, convict and “neutralise” suspects based on guesswork, according to the Prime Minister.

Amid claims the public has been put at risk by police cuts she oversaw as Home Secretary, Mrs May said: “Let’s put the public at risk of arrest instead.”

She said: “The police no longer have time to investigate the most serious crimes and I will ensure they don’t need to by allowing them to arrest and detain people based on a hunch.

“I’m talking about the people we don’t have enough evidence to prosecute in court but think might be a threat anyway.

“Let’s cut to the chase here. I’m talking about Muslims.

“By giving police powers to arrest them for no particular reason, I can pretty much guarantee an end to radicalisation.

“If it doesn’t work we’ll have to go further but let’s not explore where that road leads to at this stage.

“If I am elected as Prime Minister on Thursday, that work begins on Friday.”

Man motivated by Theresa May to achieve strength and stability having catastrophic breakdown

A man who adopted Theresa May as his motivation and role model for attaining strength and stability has become afraid and desperate, he has admitted.

Theresa May weak and wobbly
Today’s tip for strength and stability: Answer every question with a stock unrelated statement. Even when it makes you feel like this.

Ray Doyle has spent the weeks since the Prime Minister called a snap election emulating her in a bid to become strong and stable and is now too scared to leave his house.

My Doyle said: “I often get asked questions I don’t want to deal with, for example by my wife, children or boss, so I was inspired to see how Mrs May answers everything simply by saying something unrelated about strong and stable leadership, best deal for Britain and very clear.

“However, after a confident start, like her I now deliver the same lines looking like I’m dying inside.

“I tried staring at a picture of her and reciting the words ‘strong and stable’. I have to go now because the walls are closing in again.”

Mr Doyle’s colleague Will Bodie said: “He called a meeting and didn’t turn up, and when I texted him I got a reply saying ‘Too busy getting best deal, why aren’t you?’

“I found him in his office pressing the ‘escape’ key over and over again and crying.

“The funny thing is, I’m inspired by Jeremy Corbyn and I don’t remember feeling better.”

Isis claims responsibility for Sir Roger Moore’s death

An Isis source has claimed the group is responsible for the death of Sir Roger Moore, telling Swan Bake: “Who? Oh yeah, that was us.”

Sir_Roger_Moore_crop
“I don’t think so.”

The source said: “A caliphate soldier was able to destroy the crusader Sir Patrick Moore.

“What? Yeah, right, Roger Moore on… Monday? Tuesday, yes.

“The martyr… There was no martyr? Oh, okay. The soldier was able to cause the accident… What? The cancer, yes the cancer. We made that.

“So watch out. We’re not in retreat and desperate.

“This is just the beginning. Grrr.”

No one has ever survived so many fuck-ups during first four months in a job, Trump assured

Most people don’t get away with a single colossal fuck-up during their first four months in a job, let alone one a day, Donald Trump has been assured.

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After the US president complained that “no politician in history has been treated worse”, critics and supporters alike rallied to reassure him that people had been sacked from Kentucky Fried Chicken for saying less stupid things.

KFC worker Ray Doyle said: “The first few months are basically a trial in which even one devastating scandal would do it.

“Lying about everything, calling everyone who questions you a liar, basically talking unremitting bullshit – I’d be doing well if I got away with that for a day, never mind every day for four months.”

Will Bodie, who serves food at Subway, said: “I couldn’t actually endanger lives by blabbing secrets to a rival. There just isn’t the scope in this job for me to fuck up that badly. I suppose the nearest equivalent would be putting poison in the Subs and it’s an unspoken rule that that is not on.

“But let’s say for the sake of argument that I was investigated for blabbing secrets and I tried to influence the investigator and then got away with firing them like I thought I was still on reality TV.

“Well, it’s all just beyond the pale. I’d be giving myself a big pat on the back, never mind talking more shit about unfair treatment.”